The Great Wall

Now Sam and Kate were best friends, roommates actually, and they were in town for a wedding. Sam's brother and a Chinese girl that nobody knew were getting hitched and the whole story surrounded itself in mystery. By the end of the conversation I'm not certain whether he met the girl in China or if he has been writing her for awhile and moved to marry her and take her back to Australia. The wedding did seem somewhat unnerving though and conversation quickly changed to a half built Disneyland that we were passing and how creepy a half built Disneyland could be in a desert of nothingness. I begged our tour guide to stop and let me take pictures but she said that we had to keep moving. The white and fairy tale blue walls surrounding the park looked dirty; faded. They contained a barely visible magical castle, the Disney model, partially built, skeletal and menacing. For awhile I wanted to be there more than the Great Wall.

I feel obliged to tell you about the extra segments to the tour of the Great Wall, these completely boring, time-consuming hardships one must endure to finally make it to the only thing man can see from space. First, each tour stops at the largest Jade factory in China where a guide explains the difference between good jade and bad jade, an interesting tidbit of information that won't last the day, and you are escorted into an incredibly large gift shop in which, judging by the enthusiasm that borders on complete desperation, the employees must be paid on commission. A frequent purchase is a jade necklace in the shape of whatever Chinese New Year symbol attaches to your birthday. When you arrive back at the bus all members gather to see who got suckered.

After this tour of the Jade factory, the now tired tourist with the low center of gravity gets kicked off the bus at an ancient temple. I would tell you more about this temple but the problem is that I know nothing about it. I did then, I knew that certain parts of the building were beautiful. But the overwhelming thing I learnt from this stop was that we were eating time, making it seem like we got our moneys worth while, at the time, most of us would have paid double just to go to the damn wall.

When we left and embarked on our final stop, we were asked whether we'd like to walk up the stairs to get to the Great Wall or take a toboggan. Most of us, me included, have never ridden a toboggan nor could be accurately describe what a toboggan is (most of us assumed it had something to do with snow). Supposedly, as our tour guide contended, the toboggan was built by Germans many years ago and that it is perfectly safe and the best method of getting on the Wall. Also, the toboggan cost an extra five dollars. We all agreed finally to shell out the extra cash since, after the jade factory and temple that no one really understood, we were tired and just wanted to get on the freaking thing and take a billion pictures of ourselves. 

I should note since I have already commented on the bad memory I have of some of the places we visited that I have an exceptional memory of my time on the Great Wall. I even took notes of some of the interactions I had, although later I realized that I didn't need them, and that holes in the story, such as how long ago the Germans, whoever they were, made a toboggan to take people on the Great Wall. The truth of the matter is that I did ask (somebody was going to) and the answer was simply many years ago. If you'd like the actually exchange between me and the tour guide it went as follows:

"How long ago did they build it?"

"Did Germans build it?"

"Yes."

"A long time ago."

"Like Genghis Khan, long time ago?"

"No."

"How long then?"

"A long time ago."

"Huh. Ok then."

After awhile you just give up.

Arriving at the Great Wall there are small shops to the left, followed, strangely enough, by brown bears in a cave-like pen. They sell what appears to be apples to throw to the bears. While this sounds funny, that they would need brown bears to be in an environment that certainly they don't enjoy, for some kind of tourist attraction at what happens to be perhaps one of the biggest tourist attractions in the world, this is only the beginning of a strange absurdity. First in line for the toboggan, the tour guide vehemently fights against line cutters that, she believes, tries to get on the toboggan and thus the wall for free. All these line cutters are small, very old asian men and they are very pushy. The tour guide is about twenty two and doesn't know how to handle these incongruous rule breakers. She's also afraid that somehow she will have to pay for their ticket but no one is certain about how this is possible.

On the ride up everyone gets in little carts which, like a roller coaster, have braces that go over the shoulder. Then the toboggan acts very much like an actual roller coaster, tinking upwards as you are carried by a chain. At the end of the line, a man helps you out of the ride and finally you, the hard fought tourist who should be freezing his ass off because of how windy it is, can cross something off your life's list.

The Wall bends belief and staring out into the hills as the wall stretches up and down, winding like a long scaly snake, the westerner frequently states how "unreal" the whole experience seems and how looking into the hills look like a mirage or, perhaps more accurately, a fake image like from television. The walk upwards shakes this belief quickly out as the stone ground is uneven and hard to navigate without seriously tiring the fittest person. We continued to climb, to tower after tower, and the pictures kept flashing. Candid pictures, pictures with our new Australian friends or pictures of us alone; mountaineers; strong men; doers. I have tons of them.

One of the most unsuspected things about walking the wall is the numerous people trying to sell things to you. Mongolians, our tourist said, distastefully, much like she was pointing out a rat infestation. They had an incredible amount of items for sale. They had certificates and custom made keychains saying that you _____ climbed the Great Wall of China. They had book bags and little terra cotta soldiers. And they also had an incredible amount of things with Mao's face on it. Mao bags, pins, shirts, and, what I fell for, a Mao watch.

But not just any Mao watch. He stood looking towards what would be his people with his arm raised and moving up and down to each second. The watch was incredible and, most likely, the perfect gift.

This is how the exchange went:

"How much for the watch?"

"Which watch?"

"That watch."

"Mao watch?"

"Yes, Mao watch."

He stares at me, sizing me up. "1000 yuan." Roughly 150 dollars.

I immediately walk away.

"Wait!" He cries out, happy and joyous. He's smiling. He likes me. "How much you think?"

I look at him for a couple seconds. "10 yuan."

He jumps back, his face in pain, he stares at me. "I lose money!" He yells.

I walk away again.

"Wait!" He's trying to cope. "500." He smiles.

"No...10."

"ARGH....but I lose money!!!"

Needless to say this process goes on for quite awhile. I bought the watch for 20 yuan, around three dollars, and he left surprisingly happy for a man who lost so much money. Yet at every price decrease he would scream, I lose money!!! I asked him if he had another and that I would buy two and he said that he didn't and that he was sorry. I didn't mind and walked more of the wall and took more pictures.

On the way out another guy came up to me with a briefcase and in the briefcase was another Mao watch. I asked him how much for the Mao watch and he asked me how much did I think? I said 10 yuan and he closed the briefcase and screamed "I lose money!!!" I let out a big sigh and said fuck me, here we go again.