I don't know this man's name but let's call him Thor. We're calling him Thor because of his medium length blond hair, his shot put build and the fact that he could kill me. This attribute is very important to the story.
I was introduced to this God of Thunder by yet another man whose name I do not remember. Let's call him Ben Vereen. We are not calling him Ben Vereen because he is black, we are not so obtuse and, understandably, there are no black people to my knowledge native to Iceland. Instead we are calling him by that name because he has a smile very much like the famed actor and dancer. Anyways, Ben Vereen and I were drinking a Viking beer at Kaffibarinn Pub and discussing how Kaffibarinn is part owned by Damon Albarn from Blur. Soon into the conversation Thor arrived. Laughingly, he hugged Ben Vereen and shook my hand. Ben Vereen told him that I was American and from San Francisco. The Norse God stared at me for awhile and said something to me which I had to suppose was Icelandic. I told him that I didn't speak Icelandic. He kept talking. Ben Vereen looked at me and said that he doesn't believe I'm from America. That he thinks that my blond hair and blue eyes give me away and that I'm Icelandic posing as a tourist, trying to gain sympathy with people. There are many problems with this assertion but let's focus on three.
1. The idea that I'm trying, or that anyone for that matter, is trying to act like tourist amazes me. I thought tourists, with their confused looks, their moronic photograph taking and overall high maintenance were hated. Moreover I thought American (American!!!) tourists were universally hated, hated more than lice and bad drivers and convenience fees to concerts.
2. I plainly do not speak Icelandic and will never so this man, who is probably saying something mean about one of my family members, will get nowhere with me.
3. I'm easily not that good of a liar.
Yet Thor is mighty and demands attention for his eyes narrow and his backpack may have a giant hammer from which he will kill me. I don't want to die in a bar that is partly owned by a member of Blur. I ask him what I could do to prove that I'm American. He says something in Icelandic and again I smile. Ben Vereen looks confused and nervous. Thor sizes me up and says that he visited Maryland a more than a few years ago. I said that I knew Maryland and that I have in fact been to Maryland which is a plain lie. He then abruptly asks what is the capital of Maryland. I reply Baltimore and he shoots back Annapolis. I have been bested in the state capital quiz by an Icelander. I tell him that nobody knows the state capital in Maryland, which is another lie, of course people know the state capital of Maryland. To assure him I say that I'm a big baseball fan and I could tell him the roster of the Baltimore Orioles from a couple years back. I mention Brady Anderson, Roborto Alomar, Cal Ripken Jr. Thor jumps up, "Cal Ripken Jr. you are American!" He smiles walks around the table and bear hugs me. He buys me a beer and the rest of the night whenever I see him, he puts his arm around me and says "this is Matt, he's an American" and kisses my cheek hard and screams "Cal Ripken!"
